Lately, There's This Emptied-Out Feeling of Powerlessness

Lately there’s been this feeling of being completely drained.

Not just simple tiredness, but a kind of unclear thinking, sore eyes, an exhausted powerlessness that pervades everything. Despite having so much time, I feel trapped, unable to muster enthusiasm for anything. The root of this state is probably that I’ve been handling too many things simultaneously lately.

Tasks come one after another—building websites, assisting with various events, preparing lots of things for an upcoming hike on the Hong Kong MacLehose Trail, and even providing currency exchange services for everyone. I feel like I spend the entire day dealing with these miscellaneous administrative matters, my calendar packed full, without a single day to rest.

I’ve noticed that I still take negative feedback to heart. While it can be beneficial for growth, it’s excessively draining. The core reason I’m stuck in this predicament is that I lack confidence, lacking something truly substantial to show. That’s why I over-rely on external validation.

The body is honest. This chaos directly reflects in my gut. For example, one evening I ate hard-to-digest sweet potatoes and pasta, and worse, I ate while working on a Framer website on my computer, not paying attention at all. The result was poor digestion, and sleep quality declined accordingly. It set the tone that the next day wouldn’t be a high-energy day.

In these moments, my body became my only anchor.

Going out for morning exercise, standing meditation with fellow practitioners, doing cloud hands, practicing the old Tai Chi form. That feeling of everyone silently practicing until the whole body warms up is really wonderful. In the evening, running for half an hour, or doing a few dozen push-ups, feeling the body’s presence. In one of those morning practice moments, it suddenly clicked for me—what I truly want to gain during my university years is nothing more than two things: a strong body, and the ability to communicate freely with people. It sounds distant, but these are the goals I need to focus on.

Another wonderful discovery was about reading.

Honestly, I hadn’t read for several days. My mind was stuck in a contradictory state of thirsting for knowledge yet having no time to absorb anything. But when I started trying to spend five to ten minutes each day reading words from a book “out loud,” everything changed. At first I couldn’t get into it, but once I read aloud, the words seemed to truly internalize in my heart.

It’s like a switch that can instantly transport me from the external world stuffed with tasks to a peaceful inner space. Only now do I appreciate what kind of mental cultivation this is. Even just a few pages are enough to, after reaching the peak of fatigue and anxiety, slowly dispel those emotions and restore a peculiar, serene psychological state.

In the end, all of this is about reclaiming agency in life.

As a young person, agency isn’t something that immediately puts you in a super-comfortable state once you have it, but it needs to be gradually fought for. Agency isn’t about controlling everything, but about carving out a small space-time just for yourself amid the chaos—whether through exercise, reading, or simply eating a meal attentively and enjoyably.

Like today, although still very busy, I split up my time and read two pages of a book in the morning, at noon, and in the evening. It felt much more peaceful than yesterday’s detestable state. That tranquil feeling after showering tonight—I know this is the state I usually love.

Perhaps life is just like this: trapped by one thing, there will be other things to trap you too. But finding a way to settle yourself amid all this complexity is probably what growth is about.

Yeah, today was a pretty good day.