Reading The Courage to Be Disliked: All Troubles Come from Interpersonal Relationships

After finishing The Courage to Be Disliked, many ideas in the book left a deep impression on me. The most central one is: All human troubles stem from interpersonal relationships. This sentence is like a key that unlocks many confusions. Around this core, I’ve organized some thoughts that touched me.

Horizontal Relationships: Choose “Companions,” Not “Enemies”

Adlerian psychology suggests that in interpersonal relationships, we should choose to build “companion-style” horizontal relationships, not “enemy-style” vertical relationships. This requires us to maintain just the right distance.

Similarly, building good interpersonal relationships also requires maintaining a certain distance. If the distance is too close, stuck together, you can’t have a face-to-face conversation. That said, the distance shouldn’t be too far either… Being able to reach out and touch, yet not stepping into the other’s territory—maintaining this moderate distance is very important.

This passage reminded me of molecular potential energy curves, haha! Even with trusted friends, you shouldn’t demand they completely follow your ideas. Respect everyone’s freedom while staying in a position where you can offer a helping hand when they need it. Find that sweet spot.

When we get angry, we can also try to observe ourselves getting angry with curiosity, which creates a subtle sense of distance. The book says we should learn not to use the emotion of anger, because ultimately it’s just a means and tool for achieving some purpose.

Separation of Tasks: Manage Your Own Affairs, Don’t Interfere with Others’

How do you avoid doing harm with good intentions? The key is “separation of tasks.”

Basically, all interpersonal conflicts arise from interfering in other people’s tasks or having your own tasks interfered with by others.

The book has a brilliant metaphor: “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t force it to drink.” When friends confide in you, listening carefully and pointing out things they might have overlooked is enough.

This principle is especially important in parent-child relationships. Many parents say “for your own good,” but their actions are clearly about satisfying their own face, vanity, or desire for control. Children sense this deception of “for me” rather than “for you,” which is why they resist.

Parents troubled by their relationship with their children often tend to think: my child is my life… But no matter how much parents take on their children’s tasks, children are still independent individuals who won’t live entirely according to their parents’ wishes.

Although I understand parents’ worries, and sometimes even want to interfere myself, I must remember: “Others don’t live to meet your expectations.” Even your own children don’t live to meet their parents’ expectations. What if they lose themselves because of this? We can’t change others, but we can start by changing ourselves, by sharing our own changes.

However, I don’t really agree with the book’s approach of “anyone who interferes with my tasks can go to hell.” Everyone’s actual situation is different, and perhaps adjustments are needed. For example, regarding studying—although I wasn’t taught growing up that “good grades” meant fame and fortune, just pure praise, I’ve recently discovered through more conversations that some special guidance in education often stems from certain frustrations in life. It’s complicated.

From Self-Centeredness to Contributing to Others

The book mentions that some people overstep from being “the protagonist of their own life” to “the protagonist of the world,” always thinking “what has this person given me?” when interacting with others.

They’ve exceeded being “the protagonist of life” and overstepped into being “the protagonist of the world.” Therefore, when in contact with others, they always think: “What has this person given me?”

I believe that if you’re self-centered, measuring others by “credit,” you might find it hard to have happy interpersonal relationships, and troubles will follow. We should focus on “contributing to others,” because the essence of happiness is a sense of value.

It’s not about thinking “what will this person give me,” but rather thinking “what can I give this person.” This is participation and integration into the community… A sense of belonging isn’t something you’re born with; you have to obtain it with your own hands.

This reminds me of a coffee chat with Ez a few months ago, where we also talked about being “someone who can offer something.” When you can create your own value, you naturally attract a community.

Thoughts on “Praise” and “Encouragement”

Adlerian psychology has an interesting stance: “You must not praise.”

If you feel happy when praised, it means you’re subordinate to a vertical relationship and acknowledging that “you lack ability.” Because praise is “an evaluation made by a capable person of an incapable person.”

This theory is quite interesting! The emoji I use most often is 👍hahahahahahaha, now it seems perfect for expressing “encouragement.”

Of course, I think you can praise yourself! Try and error is the fastest way to learn, and there must be a reward component in it.

The book also provides a deeper perspective: starting from zero, feeling joy and gratitude for “existence” itself.

Don’t be like that. Instead, don’t compare your child with anyone else, just see them as themselves, feel joy and gratitude for their existence. Don’t deduct points based on an ideal image, but start from zero. If you do that, then you can express gratitude for “existence” itself.

This is like a form of gratitude (or prayer) that can bring inner harmony. I previously watched The Girl Who Doesn’t Exist, which has an interesting description where the girl, in her great-grandmother’s temple, learns to be grateful for all things, even saying “thanks, toilet” to the toilet, and it feels quite natural. The book says: “Sometimes all you need is to feel grateful, even if you don’t say a word. The heart is the most important thing.”

Living in the “Here and Now”

Life is not a line, but a series of connected dots.

Every moment on the way to the destination is part of the journey.

While I love this metaphor, I don’t quite agree with the view that “life is a continuous series of moments, and we no longer need stories.” If you’re not proactive, how can you have stories? “Humans are time” is one perspective; “humans are stories” is another.

Perhaps the concept of “ichigo ichie” (one time, one meeting) can elegantly illustrate this scenario. I borrowed this concept from Ez, haha—it means “every dish, you can only eat once.” Perhaps it’s precisely in that unfamiliar, unprepared situation that you happen to meet the right person. Dance well in the “here and now,” and the meaning of life might gradually become clear in the process.

Finally, one sentence in the book gave me great strength, and I’ll use it to end this piece:

“Someone has to start. Even if others don’t cooperate, that has nothing to do with you. This is my opinion. You should be the one to start, without worrying about whether others will cooperate.”